I am sitting in resistance. I’m stewing in the hot mess of not wanting to write this week’s blog. It is even worse because this morning I made a commitment to complete one project that I did not want to do. Silly me, I decided that writing my blog was that project! I find myself getting quite a lot accomplished as I resist writing. I am annoyed with myself and overall not having a good day. I don’t want to look my resistance in the eye. I want it to go away without any effort on my part and the perfect blog to flow freely from my pen.
What does looking my resistance in the eye look like? In my world, facing resistance is meeting the challenge of getting the task at hand done and not ducking away from the discomfort. Right now I am majorly uncomfortable and this is what’s in my way: I don’t think I have anything of value to say. I think you’re going to be bored and I’m holding out for the perfect offering to give you. I want you to see me as fabulous, exciting, and stimulating, not resistant, stuck, and irritable.
It comes to mind that I am not the only one who suffers under the weight of resistance. I know from talking to many women over the years that this is a common predicament. So, where does resistance come from? I think about resistance having a very positive meaning when I think of political actions and people fighting for something that they believe in. Resistance is a powerful tool when used for the greater good. On the other hand, an act of resistance is also the power to resist, oppose, or withstand. My resistance is very powerful, in a negative way. I fight against myself, entrench myself in the stew, and refuse to make any forward movement.
Feeling stuck is very uncomfortable but apparently not uncomfortable enough for me to make a different choice. I’m sitting here not understanding why I am making this so difficult for myself, why I am choosing to believe that nothing good is going to come of my efforts. I am having what I would call a moment of low self-esteem. I’ve convinced myself that I don’t have anything worthwhile to say. I’m thinking to myself “wow, this is quite the tape I’ve got going on in my head.” I know some of you can relate to this, I know some of you have this experience and I thank you for commiserating with me.
However, I am still stuck on how to get myself to move forward. The truth is that I am sitting here writing about my resistance and in that action, I am in fact creating momentum. I am going to get my blog done and I am coming up with something of value to share with you. Sadly, my mindset has not moved forward with my effort. This lack of alignment between my thoughts and my actions is palpable and is upsetting.
Today I am feeling curious about yesterday’s dilemma. Sharing my process was the best I could do at the time and I do believe that sharing our challenges is important. But, according to the voice in my head, it is not what I “should” be doing! That inner voice is persistent and she wants me to show up as a role model, the woman who “has it all together”, the one you look up to, and the one who lights your path with her brilliance. There is a part of me that understands that when I show you my underbelly, I reveal my real value and allow you to connect with me in a more intimate and true way. My existential question is this: If I am using resistance to uncover my greater good, why do I fight so hard against myself?
How to Look Resistance in the Eye
1. Look into a mirror and ask yourself, “What gift am I giving myself when I am in resistance?”
2. Walk away, sleep on it, or take some space — things will likely look different when you return.
3. Give voice to both parts of your resistant self; the one that is uncomfortable and the one that is curious. Enter into dialogue.
4. Talk your way through the resistance with a trusted friend or colleague.
5. Contemplate what greater good you want to bring forth through your resistance.